at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
