i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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