if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
