I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
