apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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