She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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