I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think your dad took our porno
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
