It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
His nipple licking is glorious
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