we're chasing vodka with high fives
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
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I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
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One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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