Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
