mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
