batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
