I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
In other news, I just burned my penis
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
