So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
