omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Success! We fucked roommates!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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