You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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