I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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