I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
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So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
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i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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