You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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