can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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