i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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