I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
