If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
