I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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