The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
