Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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