my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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