i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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