No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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