Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
