Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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