party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
