where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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