nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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