I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
