you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
