I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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