Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
