i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
