Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
