i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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