I hate your face
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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