i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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