I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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