apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize