I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
