The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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