Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
