The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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