one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
