Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
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We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
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People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.