$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
