This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
