Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
