youre lurking in front of me
so that wasnt chicken after all
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
