I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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