He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
