i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
