maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
