If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
