I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
