Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
