Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
