im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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